Way Of Life

Fiuh, what a day... Yogyakarta, never lost it's excitement, exoticm, and the hospitality. But still can never lift up my soul from deep sorrow of this ego.

Today I can see the beauty of myLittleWings, the beauty that I can never forget. I'm sorry but it's there, in front of my eyes I have to face it to prove it to mySyauQ that it's all over.

Sebagai seseorang yang mengagumi keindahan, aku berkata apa adanya. Namun aku juga disini sebagai seorang suami, aku tahu kapan aku harus berhenti. Jadi buat myLittleWings jika memang sikapku menyinggung atau menyakitkan hati aku mohon maaf karena semata menjaga komitmen yang nilainya melebihi keindahanmu.

Maybe I am naturally pervert, maybe I also some kind of jack ass, but one thing that can never change is I'm live based on the  commitment I've been made. Something that you've throw it away.

Pondok Arafah

Touchdown, right on 20:45 and here I go again. Get down from the plane, and my face still look shocked a little bit, regarding I had phobia with flight.

Poe, again... Bikin aku keringetan, dengan mengajak jalan nyetop taksi di antah berantah sekedar nyari selisih goceng #tepokjidat

Lalu menyerah dengan keadaan, taksi lah yang menang... Poe pun menang, bisa nyari selisih goceng. Aarrgh goceng Poe... Tidak worthed dibanding letih kaki guwe #tepokjidatPoe

The journey not ended here, while Poe and friends has get near to the office, it's time for me to split up. I take a different direction, it's about another 500m I must take a walk.

-o0o-

Kira-kira sepeminuman teh lewat, akhirnya aku sampe juga ke tempat istirahatku "Pondok Arafah". I'm lucky got a new room, belum pernah ditempati dan yang lebih beruntungnya lagi ini kost-kostan sebetulnya dikhususkan untuk cewek. Tapi dengan sedikit rayuan dan suara memelas akhirnya yang punya kostan mau ngasih tempat buatku (thanks Mrs. Hilda).

Well it's time to laydown and rest, alone... Btw kasurnya ajib, keras banget hahaha paling besok aku pegel2 *can't imagine when I woke up tomorrow.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

It all set, everybody has came. Then we should go now, well then... Yogyakarta here we came.

-o0o-

Hot, it's really d*mn hot in Jakarta. First time check in at gate 1A, udah kayak wong ndeso. Celingak celinguk ga  jelas, belum lagi Poe yang berasa ga bawa temen. Dengan santainya jalan sendiri ninggalin anak2 dibelakang #tepokjidat.

It's seems like karyawan baru yg akan ditugaskan ke Yogyakarta kesulitan dgn bawaan nya yg berat. So I offered her to change bag. I carry hers and she carry mine, but when I try to lift her bag up "huft... Berat gila hahaha"

Poe cengar-cengir... Sambil bilang, "ikhlasin masGee, udah nawarin jasa jgn ngomel2 dibelakang hihihi"

"Iyee, gw kirain ringan ternyata berat juga ampyun deeh..."

So here we are, stay in waiting room A7. Waiting for delayed plane (1 hour delay) nice shot, thanks Lion Air :-P

Welcome To The Jungle

This is their last day on our office, three months has passed by for them to become my apprentice.

In the end of the working time today I have a short speech for them, and I hope they will become a great person someday.

"Well this is it then, you're all now has finished your short training today and here is your certificate" then I gave each them a certificate for a legal document as a proof that they has finished their training.

"remember, I'm not your teacher. I stand here as a friend, partner, and also your supervisor. Therefore please forgive me if you had found uncomfortable behaviour from me. Because this is who I am really are, I'm glad to know you and I am happy to work with you guys and girls"

"I hope someday you're become a great IT enggineer, and last but not least I want to say to you all... Welcome To The Jungle"

Yeah, I always say that because IT division is the most deadly and dangerous area for people who built their career in it. But is not the reason for you to gave up otherwise you must struggle and always motivate your self in order to survive.

Before they leave the office, one of the student gave me a letter.
"oh iya pak, ini ada surat untuk bapak dan semua rekan-rekan disini. Tapi bacanya nanti aja ya hihihi"
"he? How come I must read it after they gone..."
"pokoknya bacanya nanti aja ya pak :)" hmm ada-ada aja memang anak ABG pake surat-suratan segala.
"iya, saya baca nanti setelah kalian pulang deh" walau penasaran akhirnya aku tunda membuka amplop surat tersebut. Singkat kata merekapun berpamitan untuk pulang, aku bersyukur sdh bisa mensupervisi mereka sampai selesai.

-o0o-

After they gone, I opened that letter. I read it, bla... Bla... Bla... Sampe pada sebuah unek-unek yang isinya.
"terima kasih untuk Mr. Gee yang telah meluangkan waktunya buat kita, dan satu lagi cepet-cepet bertaubah ya pak hehehe" with additional smiley icon in it.

"astaga, iseng banget ya tuh mereka." kesel, keki, pokoknya pengen aku jitak-jitakin keempat ABG itu. Masak yg lain kesan pesannya bagus-bagus cuma aku doang yang disuruh tobat.

"apakah aku kelihatan begitu dimata mereka? Hahaha"
Anyway terima kasih sudah jujur dan begitu peka akan keadaan sekitar kalian. Tapi sebelumnya kalo ketemu lagi so pasti akan aku jitakin dulu.

Good luck all...

Still That Syndrome

Two o'clock in the morning, still can't sleep (insomnia syndrome), there's a lot of things that flashing in my mind.

Memikirkan hari ini adalah selesainya masa PKL anak-anak didikku, juga pekerjaan sahabatku yang untuk sementara waktu aku tangani karena dia berhalangan masuk kerja, selain itu juga memikirkan rencana kerja di Yogya (in other words, what am I gonna do in Yogya next monday).

Semua kata "what if" silih berganti menyeruak dalam otakku bak para kaum dhuafa mengantri pembagian sembako (so chaos and brutal). It's gonna be another late to school for my daughter.

Yogya... Again?

Two times, I had a bad day when I went to Yogya. Is it some curse for person like me ? I don't know.

First visit to Yogya (when my office opening branch in Yogya), I having a fight by phone with mySyauQ and makes my trip isn't fun anymore.

The second visit to Yogya, I having a bad day because of myLittleWings behaviour (strange and freakin' nuts).

And I don't want it happen again for the third time. Yes I had task to visit Yogya again (my boss sent me again to the place I feared most).

God, what actually you've planned for my life. I know that I am a nasty boy, but I've already stopped all my insanity. Now I wanna be a good husband, is it necessary for you to tested me one more time so I can prove it to you?

Naturally Pervert

I came over to Poe desk, and discussing about some office task. But it seems like she embarrased then cover her blouse, trully I was confused and I saw Evi which sit near Poe laugh saw my innocent face.
"iih mas Gee... Matanya" seloroh Poe.
"What...?!! Am I done something wrong?!" yes I'm confused. Then I just realized, ternyata tanpa sadar mataku menatap belahan blouse Poe... But for Godsake I didn't mean to starring at her 'things' you know... I just can't see her eyes so I try yo find some netral area.
"Hei... I'm not that pervert Poe" kataku
"ya ampun mas Gee, ternyata..." Evi menimpali sambil cekakak cekikik.
"aarrgh, you're all wrong, ah sudahlah" damn aku jadi salah tingkah. Aku hanya ga bisa menatap mata lawan bicaraku, thats all. Makanya aku cari area yang netral yang enak dilihat (salah gak sih ? Xixixi)
Anak-anak kantor emang pada bocor semua, mancing-mancing mulu huft... But aku senang suasana kantor yang hangat dan penuh persahabatan. I had a strong bond with them, fully fun but still professional. But forgive me if I am naturally pervert (honestly...I didn't meant to. Just to try to resolved my mumet head).

The Gift Book

Can't sleep, maybe my insomnia syndrome has came over me (again). I tried to find some books to read, then I choose one of my old book which is a gift from my friend (Deasy Sartika) when I married 8 years ago.

I don't know why I directly open pages 79 not from beginning. I read page per page until reach one quotation that remind me about something.

Orang yang menikah karena menginginkan kecantikan, barangkali karena tak kuat menahan takjub saat melihat senyumnya, cenderung mengalami kekecewaan yang besar. Mereka lebih mudah mengalami ketidak puasan seksual. Salah satu sebabnya, ketika kita berkeinginan untuk menikah dengannya atas dasar kecantikan, bersamaan dengan itu kita memiliki harapan yang sangat tinggi terhadap kehidupan seks yang penuh gairah. Pada saat itu pula kita justru peka terhadap kekurangan. Kita lebih mudah mengalami kekecewaan bila gairah pasangan kita tak sesuai harapan.

Here's the thick red line part of next quote that slap me in the face (the one who make me suffer with her shadow that flying around in my mind)

Semakin tinggi harapan, semakin sulit terpenuhi. Besar dorongan anda untuk menikahinya atas dasar kecantikan, semakin kuat juga harapan anda terhadap gairah seks dan kemesraan bersamanya.

If you read my writing carefully you will understand what I'm talking about, because I do feel that dissapointed recently though I was not yet married her.

Suprise? Don't be, hal ini tersirat jelas sejak awal aku menulis. Selamat menyelidik dan selamat berasumsi, all I just can say is I choose the right way although for maybe 1 last month I feel  desperated whether regret and thanksfully. Then with this quotation now I'm sure that I should be very thanksfully with my choise.

Thank you Deasy, I should read your book for a long time ago. Your gift is like chicken soup for my soul.

Spirit Was Gone

Daily activity in my office, but something missing today. Yes spirit of Monday was gone from me, I tried to act like nothing happen but still I can't find my smile in my face.
-o0o-
12 o'clock, and I still can't focus on my works (crap...!#$&%^@). I just sit here and doing nothing... aku tahu aku tidak boleh makan gaji buta, tapi setidaknya untuk hari ini saja aku boleh ya ber-bengong ria didepan PC doing nothing ^_^

Mr. Understanding

Eight years I can't find the perfect words to describe my sorrow neither the cause. Until tonight after I came back from the office, maybe because I didn't use my anger or my ego to talk with her.

-o0o-

Seperti biasa, setelah dia menyadari emosiku mulai meledak dan pergi meninggalkan dia. Tonight, she try to parley and say sorry to make me dissapointed.

She ask me to forgive and don't leave her, she has nobody but me. She told me that if I made mistakes she will forgive me. She hope I will do the same, forgive and forget then continuing our life like there's never happen between us.

You know what? I've been going through this circles for the last 6 years *since my beruang madu was born. And everytime we having a fight, I will always forgive her although it's a little bit hard for me to forget.

Yes, I'm not saying that I always right. I made a mistakes too, mungkin lebih sering dari yang dia lakukan entahlah.

-o0o-

Aku selalu berada di sisi yang salah karena selalu mensikapi pertengkaran ini dengan emosi. Otakku keruh, mataku gelap, dan emosiku meledak, tidak terhitung kerusakan yang sudah aku buat karenanya dan sebagai kompensasinya aku merasa bersalah, dan aku mengalah, aku yang mencoba mengerti dia...

But not tonight, I'm tired, exhausted, lack of emotions, so tonight I just wanna says

"All this time, I always try to understand you. When you made mistakes I always came back for you to protect and save your ass, when you feel uncomfortable with my past I close it for you, and many more things that I should be understand as a human being that worth to understand.

The question is how about me? Can she understand me with all I've been going through? No she can't... Or I can say NO SHE WON'T

My Responsibility

I'm going to the office, though this is Sunday when everybody spent their time with family. Well here I am, alone in third floor... no family, no whining, no silly question... just me and my laptop.

Sebetulnya dulu lebih enak, ada Kyo San yang suka menemani di kantor (setidaknya ada yang bisa aku godain agar sedikit menceriakan kelamku). But now as the office growing bigger, then her division moved to another city, but actually I not totally alone... ada satpam sih di lantai satu (tapi masa aku harus godain satpam juga *emang guwe cowok apaan ciinn...)

-o0o- 

I'm not running away, I just try to cool down my temper until the conflict settled down a little bit (walau aku tahu tidak mungkin semudah itu konflik akan mereda)
God she never changed even I've tried to change my self to be a better person, even I've given my everything, is it true that people was never change ? apakah tidak ada keinginan dari dia untuk mengurangi sedikit saja kecemburuan yang tidak beralasan itu ? dan coba menjalankan tugasnya dengan benar, setidaknya (hal kecil) she waked up in early morning... just early morning... so my daughter not came late to school, that's a little thing that I called changed.

This is the marriage I've been going through, I'm not saying I have the most hard marriage than everybody. All I wanna say is in every marriage will get through this situation (someday) it depend on how are we gonna handle it.

Jujur... dia selalu berkata suatu saat jika memang pernikahan ini gagal dipastikan itu karena orang ketiga (she called her "Jebrak" I don't know why she called her with that, but I prefer call her "someone" it's more objective and comfortable in my ear). Oleh karena itu aku menulis semua ini di sebuah blog yang bernama Lukisan Tanpa Warna untuk membuktikan... She has nothing to do with this, the one who responsible in this situation is me or her (mySyauQ) but again... I will not blame her, it's all become my responsibility if I failed then I'm the one who screw everything up.

If she can't follow me, follow my way of life then... gak ada lagi yang bisa aku perjuangkan, hal ni berulang terus menerus selama 5 tahun terakhir. Hanya 1 bulan lebih ternyata bisa bertahan selanjutnya she came back to her irrational attitude.

*Bahkan kata maaf pun tidak terlontar dari mulutnya, atau bahkan mungkin tidak terbersit hal itu merupakan sebuah hal yang menyakitiku... 

The List

Laying down in living room with my daughters. Then she came sit beside me, watch me playing my android.
"itu FB bapak ya?"
"yup" simple answer, hope she will not asking me with some silly question anymore.
"da ning foto2ne sexy pak, emang pada kenal semua gitu?"
"like I said before, they are my friends in FB games ma. I don't know every single one"
"kalo myLittleWings jadi temen bapak?"

Okay here we go again, got in that topic and it will spread to new conflict.... Huft *&#%)+/*
"She's not in my friend list... See..." I gave her my android so she can look at my account to make her very sure that she's not in my friend list.

"tapi... kalo dia request friend jangan di accept ya..." ujarnya dengan tatapan penuh curiga dan nada suara yang penuh keraguan pada komitmenku.

Okay that's it, I had enough ma.
"What's wrong with you? Don't you get enough to see her not in my list?"
"for what reason she request friend with me? See... After she bored playing games with me then she was kicked me out... I'm nothing in her eyes... She can get anybody to become her friend... It's easy for her... Just piece a cake so what's wrong with you?!!!"
"just an hour ago we try to cooling down and now you declare another conflict?!!!
"everytime my phone rang, you asking me whether that is a message from someone, you accused me with no reason"
"She... Dump me mama... She stab me and walk away... So how can she asking me to become friend? Use your logic thinking.... !!! &-%@(/%/ you ruining my day... All this fuck*ng day... do you happy now?!!!'"

Then she walked away in to bedroom like never happen, you see.... She can do it that easy without considering my feeling, my emotion, my wound... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ANIDAAA....

Okay... I blew up tonight, and I hate this weekend... Just hate this moment...

Freak Rice

Tonight, she cook friedrice for dinner. Well whatever lah yang penting bisa makan.

I never realized until I went to the kitchen and saw directly, what is our chef doing. But the things that make me suprise is not the food, but her clothes... She wear long shirt with no pants (damn... even Farah Queen was not sexy anymore).

"What are you doing? Where's your pants?"
"Yaa tanggung pak, tadi dari kamar mandi, celanaku basah..." jawabnya dengan tenang sambil tetap mengaduk nasi gorengnya.
"O...M...G..." then I leave her alone with her 'something'. Belum sempet jauh melangkah dari dapur, tiba-tiba "preeeeett... Prot... Prot...."
Damned I laugh out loud, just can't imagine what it's become... "FreakRice". Tapi dia lagi-lagi ngeles, dia bilang itu suara kecap yang sudah habis yang dipaksa dipencet jadi mengeluarkan suara yang aneh...

Whatever ma, just prepare my freak dinner... I just close my eyes and eat without think *dan gak gw kunyah, asal telen aja deh.

Go Away

Unpleasant weekend, stay at home with her. Desperated with some unfinish conflict plus double it with some message from someone make me even more fucked up, sometimes I just wanna runaway and dissapear forever.

Why everybody push me to reach my limits? Did they wanna see me in Ash form again? Salahkah kalo aku ingin pergi dan hidup sendiri jika posisinya seperti ini?

I don't think I can hold this arc a little bit longer. Tinggal menghitung hari saja, hingga semua terbuka dan berakhir dengan kepahitan. Usahaku untuk mengakhiri ini dengan manis sepertinya gagal total.

Thank you to someone who sending me message and make everything broken and thanks to mySyauQ who can't trust and appreciate your own husband.

Just... GO AWAY FROM MY LIFE !!!

Long Way To Survive

Her jealousy was killing me slowly but sure. After what I've done all this last 2 month, leave all my memories behind just to kept this arc survive (then please help me God).

Last night, there's no dinner, no tight hug, no sweet conversation, I found her lying on bed... Exhausting, angry, jealous (about some status on social media which telling me that I still exist there and found her was blocked from my account).

She said "katanya just you and me, kenapa tau-tau FB nya masih aktif? Dan account ku diblock. Harusnya account 'myLittleWings' juga di block dong dari account bapak"
I try not to counter her back because that will make us fall in to another big dilema.

But that was not the right solution, she's getting more desperated. More I shut my mouth the more she attack me with some silly question... Until one time I had enough.

"Guwe ga peduli HP ini barang operasional kantor ya... Kalo elo masih terus mempermasalahkan FB guwe, sekalian guwe banting ni HP ma..." ancamku.
Dia hanya diam sejenak tapi selanjutnya dia kembali melanjutkan cecaran pertanyaan yang menjengkelkan.

"Sini aq minta account password nya biar bisa liat apa aja status yang bapak tulis" aku makin tersudut dengan cecaran itu, It seems like I don't have my own personal life to having fun with my craziness, to express my untold behaviour, yes... I feel that I was in prisoner in my own life (maaf tapi itu sisi egosentrisku yang tidak boleh kau masuki ma, gw mau gila-gilaan mau bocor bareng temen2 guwe, mau mengekspresikan otak mesum guwe... Itu diluar kewenanganmu dan itu absolutly restricted area).

Tonight, this arc was slowly but sure falling down because she make a big hole to let it drown and I don't have willing to fix that up... Let it drown, and let me going with it till this is all over. You make the fatal and stewpid mistakes that I've been waiting for ma...

The Lazy Day

Election day in our city, which mean our special holiday and that's mean Lazy Day for us. So we waked up late this morning... I mean this noon xixixi.

Dengan malas-malasan aku memicingkan mata dan coba bangunkan dia yang masih terlelap.

"ma... Mama... Dah siang" sambil aku guncang2 pantatnya pake kakiku *secara posisi bangun tidur kita saling silang gak karuan.

"hemmh... Iya..." dia cuma jawab sambil matanya tetep merem.
"anaknya kasih obat ma..."
"iya..." jawabnya juga tapi tetep tidak bergeming dari kasur.
Sepuluh menit... Dua puluh menit... Aku terjaga lagi dan waktu sudah menunjukkan jam 11 siang.

"Anidaaa.... ?!:&#@/" dia terjaga dan kaget setengah mati. Then you know me, aku mulai ngomel2 dan panik gak jelas.
"bagus yaa... Anaknya ga sekolah lagi hari ini. Lo bangun tapi malah tidur lagi.. Ampun deh ma, kamu tuh ga pernah berubah" tapi koq dia tenang2 aja dengan malas2 dia menjawab
"kan hari ini libur paak..." sejenak aq diam dan baru sadar kalo hari ini libur, tapi kalo aku mengaku salah gengsi... So ngomel2 lagi dengan topik yang lain

"Iya tapi emang kalo libur ga bangun pagi... Anak2 kan harus makan obat pagi, masak nasi, belanja...hmmpff" aku ga bisa ngelanjutin omelanku, bibirku disumpel sama bibirnya sambil dipeluk erat... *kurang ajar ya, bisa aja bikin aku tutup mulut.

Selanjutnya... Terserah imajinasi masing2 deh ya yang jelas hari ini adalah hari bermalas-malasan sedunia.

Private Therapist

She came to me with that "merajuk face" I've got bad feeling about this. And my feeling always right, dia minta dipijetin setelah seharian melakukan pekerjaan rumah tangga... She's a trully super woman.

Sebenarnya aku tidak pernah merasa keberatan untuk menservice dia dengan pijatan mautku yang tak pernah gagal membuat wanita nyaman dan nyenyak tidur. Tapi mungkin karena masih berasa lelah, aku sedikit kurang semangat.

Gimana ya caranya biar semangat... Meanwhile, she already take off her clothes and laydown on bed. "Sialan dah gelar tiker aja mama... Belum juga setuju mau mijetin atau nggak" gerutku...

Ya sudah, biar semangat aku membayangkan wanita yang dihadapanku ini adalah salah satu bidadari dari AKB48 yg clip nya siang ini aku tonton hihihi...

Dan benar saja, semangatku makin meningkat... Sampe2 celanaku berasa sesak hahaha. Anyway she deserve to get that service, after all day she's take care my daughters, my stuff, and my house... Aku tak pernah menyesal bahkan jika bisa seumur hidupku aku akan menjadi terapis pribadinya dengan service ++ #maunya xixixi

The Most Precious Moment

It's become a new habit, every time I came home I will hug her tight. It feels so comfortable, make my sorrow, pain, and fatigue dissapear.

She always got me a cup of hot tea. Then sit beside me, tell everything had happen from this morning till noon.

The most precious and best moment in my life is my last 8 years. But I just realized all of this in my last 1 month behind when everything almost broken into pieces.

Am I too late to realized and try to fix it ?

The Hijacker

What's wrong with this morning? Everybody came out in the same time make Jakarta street more fuckin' crowded *huft..!*&@%

When I just got to the office, turn the laptop on suddenly mySyauQ sent me message... "Bapaakk!!! Nulis status apa di wall ku... Wuuu :-o" hahaha... You know what? This morning I open her FB account and I start write some status.

Yep... Your account was hijacked baby, xixixi. Anyway let do some works today, buat kesibukan yang berarti, stay cool stay calm and stay confident... And just don't do something stupid Gee...

You Don't Have to Understand

Why Gee? That was the first impression from someone who read my blogs recently.
Actually, I can't explain it either. It just happen and goes by like it should be, all I can say is, this blogs was my note to tell the world that I have try.
I don't ask you to understand, and I don't want to either. I wan't you to read it and enjoy it, its all about a stubborn and clumsy little guy named Gee (that was me regardly) and a perfect wife that called mySyauQ *at least perfect wife for me.
Just pretend that the actor of this blogs is not real, but somewhere sometimes somehow in this world it's happen and it's real. And I'd love to share it with you.

Sex Appeal

"Bapak, makan apa..." suddenly my wife sent me message from her Gtalk. Wow, sebuah kejutan di siang bolong, aku dapet message dari istriku.
"Tumben nanya makan apa :)" I reply her message (in Indonesian of course), then she reply me
"Iyya... harus lebih perhatian daripada keduluan yang laen... nanya2 makan"
Yeah I knew what she meant with "keduluan" and I'm glad to know that she response to my effort to keep this arc sail away. Having chat with your wife in complicated condition like we going through this time has some different feeling.

Rasanya seperti pacaran lagi, walau kadang dia terlalu menjengkelkan ketika sudah emosi dan mengambil tindakan sendiri tanpa difikir. Mungkin dia juga berfikiran sama terhadapku, I have a strong sex appeal that make someone fall in love with me (cause she already feel it too) and that's make her being possessive. Anyway about sex appeal yang mau protes bayar 50 rebu hihihi.

Manusia Bodoh

The one who stupid enough to end this story is me

The Dinner

I don't know is it going to be happy ending or sad ending the story that I will going through.

It's like something never happen between us before, cause tonight we having dinner together. Dinner yang tidak biasa, karena sebetulnya kita berdua dan anak-anak tidak begitu suka bakso tapi malam ini sepakat makan bakso.

Ngobrol banyak tentang segala sesuatu, yang kadang diselingi oleh tingkah polah anak2 yang super luar biasa aktifnya.

Sambil menikmati suasana kebersamaan ini sempat terfikir dalam benakku that, maybe someday I'll miss this moment. The day when I walk on by, leave everything behind.

When she close her heart forever for me, dan ketika aku menyadari apakah langkahku ini benar atau salah.

Karena ketika aku angkat lagi topik tentang kuasa Tuhan yang memberi sesuatu yang hambanya butuhkan bukan sesuatu yang hambanya inginkan dia dengan jelas mengatakan "jika memang itu yang terbaik dari Allah, semoga saja Dia mengabulkan"

Kami berdua telah sama-sama jenuh, walau kami tahu ikatan ini sangat erat dan dalam. Eight years was long enough for us to know each other, to understand every single thing about us *phisically and mentally

Setelah makan malam, kini kita bersama-sama duduk dalam keheningan ruang tamu. Hanya hembusan suara AC dan detak jam dinding yang terdengar. Dia sibuk dengan tab nya, sementara aku sibuk dengan galaxy Y ku menulis blog ini. Anak-anak sudah sejak tadi terlelap tidur disampingku yang berbaring menemani mereka.

Misscall

It's has been 2 days we discuss this problem. Semua berawal dari sebuah misscall dari seseorang, yang membuat berang istriku. Dan apa yang istriku lakukan membuat berang diriku. So it's like some domino effect to our life, and sound like thunder in the middle of the night to my life.

We are not having a fight, but more likely having discuss with some hard and deadly stuff.
"mama, aku ga bisa hidup dengan kamu jika terus menerus spt ini" dia hanya terdiam tak bicara sepatah katapun.
"kamu mencaci maki seseorang dari masa laluku tanpa membicarakannya dulu denganku, lalu apa arti diriku jika keputusanmu melangkahi aku sebagai orang yang dipercaya sebagai kepala rumah tangga"
"tapi dia yang memancing keributan terlebih dahulu, mau apa coba dia pake misscall suami orang... Hari Sabtu pula, dia tau kan kalo laki guwe sabtu ada di rumah, maksudnya apa coba"
"tapi itu bukan pembenaran untuk mencaci dia, knp kamu bilang hanya mengatakan 'elo' tapi setelah aq paksa kamu baru bilang bahwa kamu ngatain dia dgn kata2 yg tidak baik?"
"karena dia memang perempuan tidak baik!!!"
"emang kalo ada perempuan yg nelp gw identik dengan perempuan tidak baik?"
"berapa kali kamu mengambil keputusan tanpa dibicarakan dgnku dan berakhir dengan masalah? Dan ujung-ujungnya aku juga yang harus menyelesaikan masalah kamu?"
Dia diam sesaat, lalu pembicaraanpun terus berlanjut hingga hari itu kita habiskan untuk membahas sesuatu yg meyulut lagi perpisahan yg notabene sedang aku perjuangkan untuk tidak sampai terjadi.

-o0o-

"kamu pernah berkata, jika aq menikahi dia maka kamu akan mundur"
"iya..." jawabnya
"ya sudah, kenapa ga dari sekarang aja kamu mundur?"
"aq kan bilang kalo bapak menikahi dia..."
"terserah guwe dong, mau menikahi siapapun... Yang penting kita selesaikan dulu urusan kita hingga tuntas. Lagipula aku lebih nyaman sendiri dibanding hidup seperti sekarang, aku sudah tidak percaya dgn pernikahan"
Kini dia yang terdiam, terbaring dikasur seraya memeluk bantal.

"aku tidak berminat untuk menikah lagi mama, aku ingin hidup sendiri..."
"emang bapak kira hidup sendiri itu enak?"
"tidak... Sampai kapanpun dan siapapun akan bilang tidak enak, tapi setidaknya hidup sendiri bagiku lebih baik daripada hidup bersama kamu ma..."

Perlahan airmata meleleh diantara kelopak matanya. Unpleasant wekend for me, so this sunday morning I burn my fat with some hard exercise. Push up, sit up, running etc... Just to throw away some negative energy from my body.

I'm so damn tired, fisik dan mental... Dan baru saja aku kembali membahas itu dengan dia. Perpisahan sudah menjadi wacana yang ada di kepala kita berdua, bukan karena saling membenci satu sama lain tapi karena saling mencinta yang terlalu hingga membuat suasana tidak nyaman bagi kita berdua.

Haruskah aku memohon untuk bisa lepas dari hubungan ini? Aku tidak pernah memohon sebelumnya pada siapapun.

Jika Tuhan selalu memberikan apa yang hambanya butuhkan, satu kali ini saja aku mohon pada Tuhan agar memberikan aku, sebagai hambanya apa yang aku inginkan...

Power of Hug

Aku terdiam diantara 2 pilihan, cemas menunggu diantara list kontak yang ada di aplikasi skype for mobile ku, ada 2 kontak yang saling berdekatan yang menggodaku untuk memilih antara "The Little Wings" dan "MySyauQ" mana sekiranya yang akan aku kontak.

Saat itu status "My Little Wings" sedang online, dan status "MySyauQ" dalam kondisi offline, aku sangat berharap yang online itu adalah "MySyauQ" dan "My Little Wings" dalam posisi offline. Jujur belum dapat aku tepis bayangan itu, selalu bermain diatas kepalaku. Hanya akal sehat dan niatku yang membuat aku tetap tidak bergeming hingga saat ini demi sebuah komitmen.

Aku coba kirim pesan melalui WhatsApp, agar "MySyauQ" segera online. Karena aku ingin mendengar suaranya, mengetahui kabarnya, mengetahui kondisi anak-anak saat ini walau aku tahu tidak lama lagi pun aku sebetulnya sudah meluncur pulang bertemu mereka.

Satu menit... dua menit... hingga sekarang aku menorehkan tulisan di kanvas kosong ini tidak ada tanda-tanda status "MySyauQ" online.
"Aaah, gimana sih udah aku modalin Galaxy Tab koq tidak real time sih jangan-jangan tab nya dipake buat pajangan doang" gerutku coba mengekspresikan kegelisahanku saat ini.
"Come on Gee, just be positif thinking maybe she already sleep right now" sebetulnya ini hanya pembenaran hati saja untuk mengurangi rasa kecewa.

Mungkin kalian bertanya, apa yang membuat aku gundah hingga sampe segitunya? yang membuat gundah itu adalah sosok bayangan yang bernama "My Little Wings" yang sudah masuk dalam kehidupanku dan bermain-main diatas kepalaku hingga saat ini. She hurt me so badly, I can't explain to you how can she hurt me. All I can tell you that I forgive her but not forgotten of all she has done to me.

Satu-satunya penawar dari racun itu adalah pelukan erat dari seorang "MySyauQ", semakin erat aku peluk dia semakin hangat dan nyaman hati ini. Some one tell me the power of hug he said that it can ease a person’s suffering, it can soothe a person’s feelings, it can make a person feel loved and special, it can calm a person’s fears, the list goes on (Cupid Hug). Kesadaranku semakin membaik, mata hatiku kembali terbuka... disitu aku liat dua bidadari kecilku yang semakin menguatkanku akan tugas dan kewajibanku sebagai seorang laksamana.

The Busy Friday Noon

Friday noon? Busy like always, no time even for having fun a little bit. I hate to say it but, this day was very damn busy. Fikiranku pun melayang entah kemana, hanya coba tetap fokus dengan menenggelamkan diri pada kesibukan.

Tak ada WhatsApp, ChatOn, ataupun Gtalk dari istriku (hmm tumben sekarang sudah merasa ada yang kurang seandainya dia tidak memberi khabar atau mungkin aku berfikir tentang itu karena memikirkan apakah Galaxy Tab di tangan dia sudah cukup bermanfaat atau belum). Whatever, aku ingin bercerita sedikit tentang kelucuan tadi sore.

Teman-teman kantor kembali dengan keisengan mereka, menjadi kompor mleduk yang sengaja manas-manasin aku dengan salah satu anak didik PKL yang sedang magang di kantor. Yang secara kebetulan aku dan dia duduk bersebelahan, sama-sama mendengarkan lagu-lagu galau tahun 90an, sama-sama nonton film horor, sama-sama akrab (mungkin karena bersebelahan).

You know what she (my apprentice a.k.a my student) said to me ? "Hihihi bapak lucu juga yak..."
and you know what, she said that twice. Jadi kalo sekarang aku menjadi bulan-bulanan temen-temen kantor ya sudah pasrah aja lah... kadang mereka nyebelin banget gak seeeh (embeeeeeeeerrr)

My wife response ? don't ask... don't tell... she was very upset, mad, and jealous. Like I said, bahkan kalo kambing dibajuin (dikasih gaun dan rok) terus pelukan sama guwe mungkin dia sambit tuh kambing (dibikin sate hahaha).

Big Fight or Brainstorming ?

I don't know what should I call it, another big fight or just some brainstorming. But it's really wasting my time this morning. Intinya, jika di ibaratkan seorang laksamana dan seorang kru kapal... aku adalah laksamana yang merasa terganggu oleh ulah sang kru yang terus merecokiku bagaimana seharusnya aku menjalani bahtera ini. Dilain fihak, sang kru yang sibuk mengomentari laksamana tidak melakukan tugas dan kewajiban dia, seperti mengembangkan layar, merawat kapal agar tidak bocor dan tenggelam. Wal hasil bahtera ini tidak berjalan kemanapun, hanya terapung dan terombang ambing ombak.

At least I try not explode my self into fireball, I don't want to fight anymore. So I speak to her as husband to his wife, but this is straight talk. Rather she accept my opinion or she can leave me forever, simple but keep it in thick red line.

Yes, I'm not a good husband but I keep trying to become a good husband. All I need is her support I can't do this alone, this problem needs both side to resolve and rebuild this broken arc.
Sometimes I'm too tired to keep this arc, but I can't drown this arc either. Terlalu banyak kompensasi yang harus aku pertaruhkan... aku hanya bisa berharap kosong

Monday Freak

This monday freak, make me exhausted. I just got home at 12 o'clock tapi ga bisa langsung istirahat. Aku harus jadi tukang sampah dulu sementara waktu, bersih-bersih, dan akhirnya inilah aku terbaring di kasur empuk ditemani seorang wanita yang sempurna untukku.

Not even a single word came out from us. I just wanna hugging her so tight 'till my sorrow passed by.
"don't ask, just stay with me... Hold me tight and listen" aku berbisik padanya.
"aku ingin kembali merasakan cinta seperti yg pernah aq rasakan diawal perjalanan kita"
"Saat kita bukan siapa-siapa, tapi aku menjadi segalanya untukmu. Dan begitupun kamu, adalah segalanya bagiku... Tempat aku kembali sejauh apapun aku pergi"
Aku kecup lembut keningnya, seraya kubelai indah rambutnya.
Malam ini aku gundah, dan tempat kembaliku hanya pada pelukannya...

The Result

Monday morning, already standby at waiting room Persahabatan Hospital. Yeah, today I will get the result of my diagnostic.

Seperti biasa, ruang tunggu sudah sumpek dengan para pasien pendafftar, and I am one of them with ticket number 44.

-o0o-

I've got all three result of test and all result indicated negative (thx god, but still I must find out what's wrong with me *pneumonia syndrome).

Indonesian style, the doctor hasn't come yet. They are the one who suppose to be serve and service not being paid and come anytime they like #WTF.

Hold On

Leaving the phone, gadget, and such a thing called device away. It's now just me and her, laying down on bed hugging each other without saying any thing.
I started conversation, "ma, kenapa kau bertahan hidup denganku hingga 8 tahun?"
"iiih, bapak koq tanya itu lagi..." seolah dia malas untuk membahasnya.
"penasaran aja, padahal guwe kan egois, pervert, pemarah, ga sabaran etc" kataku, dia terdiam sejenak
"ganteng... Enggak"
"mapan... Okelah" tapi dengan cepat dia menanggapi
"gak juga lah... Lha wong masih suka kas bon" ujarnya
"hmm, setia..."
"emmhh... Diragukan sih"
"oh gitu ya xixixi..."
"terus apa dong?"
Dia lalu berkata...
"karena bapak bertanggung jawab..." katanya seraya mempererat pelukannya.
"you know what, every time I'm going mad I leave you with no mercy"
"yeah but you always come back to us"
"yeah, itu karena ga ada aja cewek yang mau menampung guwe, alias ga ada alternatif. Jadi balik lagi deh hahaha" dia menggerutu lalu mencubit pinggangku.
"aww, aq becanda sayang... Tapi emang aq sebegitu bertanggung jawabnya ya?"
"yes, you always give your support 110% for us"
Kini sebaliknya aq yang terdiam, jika memang begitu lalu bagaimana denganku? Apa yang membuatku bertahan dengannya? Tidak ada... Malah beberapa kali aku menawarkan paket perpisahan mulai dari yang paling tidak menyakitkan hingga ke yang paling tragis sekalipun. Jadi? Apa yang membuatku tidak dapat hidup dengannya?

New Communication Method

An hour has passed by, we both stay at bedroom meanwhile the childrens has fallen a sleep in the living room as usual.

She laying on bed, with her BB and Tab 2.0 and I sit on the floor reading my books. Anteng dengan kesibukan masing2, sampe akhirnya aku wassap dia.
"ma, bikinin kopi dong..."
"kling..." tanda message ku sampe di gadget dia.

Nampaknya dia ga bergeming dgn notifikasi dari message yg aq kirim.
"kling..." aq coba send message lagi. Dia tetep ga bergeming, argh payah neeh punya gadget notifikasinya ga dibaca. Perlahan aq dekati dia, aku ikut berbaring seraya memeluknya.

"ma, notifikasinya ga dibaca?"
"oh ada pesan masuk ya? " jawabnya with some innocent face.
"bapak mau kopi ya? Maaf y aq ga tau hehehe"
"please deh anida..." gumamku, tanpa sepatah katapun

Sejak saat ini kedepannya, I think we have a new method to establish a new communication through virtual media called whatsapp and gtalk.

Funny way, while we both stay at same room without conversation between us, but actually we having a good and deeply chat via media.

Welcome to our virtual relationship, less talk chat more. By the way did I just order coffee recently? Then why she make me a cup of chocolate milk? Arrghh... Dia dan pemikiran sequentialnya, mau gimana lagi.

Sunday Night Activity

Kids are getting wild, I can't control them. So noisy and brutal in their kid ways. Meanwhile, mySyauQ have new activity since get new Galaxy Tab... She can spent many hour playing her gadget.

Here I am, alone reading my twivortiare. Ditemani oleh bisingnya panggung hiburan dibelakang rumah (full dangdutan).

So, what did I expect anyway. This goes as normal as it should be, I'm glad to know my wife feel happy for her life because that is my job to make her that way, that my way of life for this time.

The Gift

Sebuah kecupan manis mendarat dipipiku, mengiringi ucapan terima kasih yang terlontar dari bibir istriku. A suprise gift, that I gave her will change her lifestyle for this time and beyond.

It's an expensive gift actually, but I think it's worthed. I must spare my unalocated budget to buy that gift, I bought a new gadget for her, samsung galaxy tab 2.0.

She was seems very happy, almost every night after the childrens go to sleep she play the gadget, browse everything, including explore this blog hahaha.

I promise to my self, that I'll make her happy with everything I've got. So when the time has come, aku akan meninggalkannya tanpa kenangan buruk atau sakit hati. Hanya akan ada cinta dan kasih sayang yang mengiringi keikhlasan karena perpisahan menjadi sebuah hal yang tidak dapat dihindarkan.

-o0o-

I still haven't found the answer for my question, mengapa aq merasa sendiri berada diantara mereka...

Medical Checkup #day 3

Good news, I've got negative on first test (mantob test), now waiting lab test but I can't back to office now. I must wait my rontgen result at 13 o'clock
-o0o-
Spending my time at hospital in the last 3 days make me feel greatful because so many people was not so lucky as I am.
Today I saw a woman crying hard in ER (Emergency Room) because her father past away. Soon or later I will on her position, orherwise my daughter will on her position... Everybody will on that position... Someday
That's why I feel so greatful to know that I still live,  have 3 beautiful angel in my life.

-o0o-

Sudah dapat hasil rontgen, dan sudah dianalisa dokter dengan kesimpulan : Kesan -> Pneumonia. D*MN !!! that explain everything... every single thing of my uncontrolled behavior (F*CK !!!) . All this time the problem lies within me, and I blame everyone, screw every happiness, make things gettin' worse... DAMN I HATE MY SELF !!!

Sitting in front of my desk, read this diagnose repeatedly :


Systemic : - High fever - Chills
Central/Brain : - Headaches - Loss of appetite - Mood swings
Skin: - Clamminess - Blueness
Vascular - Low blood pressure
Lungs: - Cough with sputum or phlegm - Shortness of breath - Pleuritic chest pain - Hemoptysis
Gastric: - Nausea - Vomiting
Muscular: - Fatigue - Aches
Joints: - Pain

Almost 70% match, petty me... hikz

Medical Checkup #day 2

In the first time, I think if I get medical check up in government hospital will take less money rather than if I get medical check up in some private lab. But the fact it cost almost the same as much as private lab, is already cost me about 500k just for 2 days (WOW...)

My Gtalk rang, she (my wife) asked me the result, and I reply that the result will appear tomorrow after examined by specific doctors.
Man... in the next 3 day it will make me fully exhausted to the death, just to find out what wrong inside me.

-o0o-

Back to the office, done nothing (already exhausted...) having chit chat with Poe and Dave, and I've got some quotation (good one) and it says :

If you feel someone mess with your life, and you hate them. Just forgive them, because by forgiving... it followed with happiness and brightness at your way of life. 

Another Big Fight

It's started from medical checkup issue. Begin with a big question mark "Why" I didn't tell her?!

Then the problem spread to the past, the topics was changed and now the issue is the Nurse. Cemburu buta mulai membakar emosinya.

Inilah yang aku takutkan, she was never changed. She never see the thick red line of my problem, dia hanya melulu mempermasalahkan tokoh didalam benang merah tersebut.

I'm dying here mama... Can't you understand me? I just want to spent the rest of my life with fully of love, care, and all good thing.

That night everybody was dissapointed. Ga ada yang mau mengalah, hanya terdiam saling memeluk namun hati terbakar emosi.

"Seperti yang aku bilang, kalo mau selesai ya sekarang waktunya. Pada saat kita dalam puncak saling mencintai..." lirih ku padanya
Dia hanya terdiam, dengan nafas semakin memburu tanda emosi mulai menjalar ke penjuru hati.

Tonight I lost my spirit, and I learn something. Sometimes the truth better be stay remain underneath the sweet lie...

Medical Check Up #Day 1

Soon or later, I will be visit this damn clinic (Pulmonology Clinic). Yeah, I must do it in case my disease was caused my daughter sickness. First time registering in government hospital in Indonesia ? I suggest please don't be LATE !! otherwise you'll be hang around all day just to get your health treatment wasting your time, wasting your energy, and it's cost too much to take.

10.00 am, yes I was too late and I must take the consequences (lost my Monday spirit) so here I am in the middle of crowded sick people. 12 o'clock I get my registration card now I can continue to Pulmonology Clinic, and you know what... aku kira sudah lepas dari antrian, ternyata harus ngantri lagi  di antara para pasien paru dan baru selesai jam 02.00 (mann... wasting my time).

Meet the doctor, she's a good doctor actually but not friendly one. Whe she ask me "is there any history of TB ?" so I said "I never check it up so I don't know is there any or not" (am I wrong ?) and she said, "HISTORY... do you have been get TB before" (damn, she's so HOT when starring me like that with the sound getting up and high) guwe cium asal-asalan baru tau rasa tuh dokter ampun dah... orang mau cek up koq di bentak, guwe pasang aja muka kucing dengan mata yang berbinar-binar (kecantol... kecantol dah... biar sekalian guwe pacarin dokter sialan itu)

Medical Check Up finish, but I cannot back home and get rest... I must go back to office, finishing my delayed works. But some good news was arrive, my daughter get 80 point from her 1st test (Math Exam) I knew she can do better, and I knew she is brilliant one, all she need just focus on what her doing.

Well then, here I am again... in my desk writing blogs (there's some quote I want to share) :

I marry her in my best perform in every single thing, my soul, my mind, my body, my faith, and my dream. So I always knew that she was the best I ever had, and always the best... and when times has come for me to say good bye to her maybe that time I'm not in my best perform at least in one thing, that is I love her as much as I've got in the first time we met even larger more than everything in this world.

Big Project 4 Little Business

Sunday morning, also become a big day for mySyauQ. Itu karena hari ini dia berhasil menyelesaikan project besar untuk bisnis kecilnya.

I'm happy for her, at least she make her days busy with some positive activity although sometimes she still use my budget for her business (padahal jatah dia dah gw kasih semua, curang kan... Ampun dah kalo bukan istriku dah ta mutasi ke ujungberung sono).

Now we are prepared for delivering the product and also celebrate my friend daughter birthday.

Bed Rest

Great... I must bed rest today, I think I've got cold yesterday. Ditambah lagi kondisi fisik menurun setelah kelelahan jalan kaki dari PointSquare ke Gd. FedEx.

Just hope I'm not get thypus syndrome. Meanwhile mySyauQ starting her works to make cookie to fulfill her client orders. And my jobs? Watch over 2 little monster from ruining her works.

Not Syndrome Again...

Waked up, again in the middle of the night. But this time, I must stay awake because I have to help my apprentice to finish her task for final exam tomorrow.
02:30 AM, at least 60% of her task was done and I can't continue much longer. I was very tired, and obviously I need a rest, sorry Tami now you are on your own.
Tonight I try to sleep in bed with my wife, though it's feel strange to have someone was sleeping beside you. Mungkin kelihatan aneh ya notabene aku dan dia adalah suami istri yang memang lazimnya tidur bersama dalam satu ranjang. Tapi tidak begitu denganku, aku lebih senang menemani anak-anakku tidur di ruang depan, walau hanya beralaskan kasur tipis yang sudah sobek-sobek.

-o0o-

Walhasil, nyawaku belum sepenuhnya komplit ketika harus menjalani hari ini. Di kantor kerjaanku cuma bengong, bolak-balik gak jelas (tanda-tanda syndrome galau lagi kalo dibiarkan terus). Arrgh what should I do to fill my concentration, well I try to finish this day successfully ...

Fatigue

Too tired to write in this blog, I just laydown in this living room. Waiting mySyauQ served the dinner.

Gosh I feel so tired today, after taking a walk these noon.
Well it seems like dinner are ready, ok dear...let's eat!!

-o0o-

#a few minute later : senderan dengan perut yang kekenyangan, sesekali memperhatikan dia yang masih lahap menikmati makan malamnya. Sometimes I still can't believe that we can stick together. Aku tipikal orang yg kalo sudah ngomong sekali harus dituruti, meanwhile she has opposite character. Dia akan mengerjakan apa yang disuruh tapiii... setelah kerjaan yang ada dikepala dia selesai semua.

Then, you can imagine what was gonna happen in our life each day. But, again... Itulah istriku, dengan segala kesederhanaan dan kepolosannya. Dan inilah aku, dengan segala usaha untuk kembali coba mencintainya semata-mata untuk mempertahankan biduk ini.

Ngangkot.com

One of the reason why I do love my recent jobs is, that I can going everywhere, whenever I like without worrying get penalty and warned by management.
As long as my project done on time, nothing to be worry of. Like these day, I put my motocycle at the service shop. Then I going to mall, looking something or some'thingz' hahaha

-o0o-

I'd better be goin' back to office then, by angkot pula hadooh.
#few moment later : Sampe juga di kantor, kayaknya istriku dapet orderan lagi buat acara ulang tahun anaknya temenku (she has big hoky isn't she ? *she's amaze me)

Morning Fight

Excellent... She starting our day with some repeated daily trouble. Our first fight since I wrote on this canvas.

The problem is that she always waked up late, so my daughter came late to school (it has been 3rd times in this week, even yesterday she was not going to school because of that)

When it happen, then it become my trouble. I'm the one who must take her go to school and I'm the one who will got the warning from her teacher.

It's my wife's fault, aargh... She really piss me off man. Terus dia sekarang lagi anteng browsing2.

She bribe me with a glass of milk and toasted bread. Damn I hate when she said apologize with that way, my heart become melting every where.

-o0o-

Ga lama abis baekan sama dia, giliran bola-bola cokelat bikin ulah. Shit, again my emotion was blew up.

Mamaa, please do something with your children will you *&@-*/("?&

She Cook For Me ?

My Wife asked me to went home earlier. Maybe she want to gave me suprise *dia masakin aku hari ini hihihi. Unfortunately I already eaten just now, I order pecel lele because I'm starving to death.
Well, I don't wanna let her down. Then I said "ya udah ntar aq makan lagi aja hehehe" masih muat kagak ya ? ^_^

-o0o-

It's time to goin' home, kepalaku sudah sedikit ringan. Sumpah tadi siang pusing banget, entah karena beban kerjaan yang menumpuk ditambah kurang tidur juga. Gila aja tidur jam 3 bangun bangun langsung olahraga pinggul hahaha sejam pula set dah, ah sudahlah pulang buruan.

Insomnia Syndrome

Can't sleep, but I can't tell you why. I don't understand either, my heart was burning, my soul feel empty, my head feel heavy, my ego feel likes explode like a bomb.

Maybe I should enjoy this pain, I must take the risk because it's my cosequences. Yeah it's not easy as flip your hand, but I will survive... I must survive.

As long as I keep my head sane enough, so I'm not do something stupid that will make situation gettin' worse.

This insomnia syndrome just some side affect for the path I've been choose, I've got strengh from my SyauQ, my daughters, and my friends and it will keep me alive.

Kadang aku jadi tersenyum sendiri kalo ingat dulu ditolak mentah-mentah sama mantan hehehe. I wonder how can I survived from that moment? Saking mujarabnya sampe lupa cara melupakannya gimana... Wow

Dear Anida, thank you for lending me your shoulder so I can drop my tears and show you how weak I really am... She's nothing compared with you, I'm the one who has been blinded by beauty and passion.

You know what? My syndrome slightly disappeared after I wrote this note. Hmm time to get sleep, in the next 2 hour I must pick my daughter to school.

Bad Day... Again ?

Someone in my office screw up my project with some rubbish information. Aargh, he's make my day smell like a shit ?!!

Ah sudahlah, segala sumpah serapah sudah keluar dari mulutku. Now I just wanna take a good night rest at my home.

My daughter was laugh out loud when I say bad word in english, she ask me what's the meaning asshole and I said lubang silit then she's laugh again #damn I shouldn't teach them that word hehehe

I just can't find any worse word to describe him... That word already the worst I can get rather than f*ckin stewpid...

Having bad day twice in a row make me nuts, I need some special treatment to help me get relax for a while.

Aki2 Diantara ABG

Meeting @SevenEleven Mampang, as always I came just on time @4th o'clock PM. But it seems like my colleague was came late.

So here I am, waiting in the middle of crawded room full of teenager (ABG). Thx God I'm not teen anymore, otherwise it will "salting" be starred by teenager girl.

Celingak celinguk gak jelas, berasa paling tua diantara mereka #sialan.

Time is ticking, almost 1 hour I wait my partner, argh never be on time like always. Meanwhile, ababil still come and go in front of my eyes. Untung gw dah tobat, kalo nggak di gebet juga tuh abegeh hahaha

#Stress detected : I was start scratching my own head, dan business partner hasn't showed yet. Hotpants everywhere, make me feel naughty xixixi...

The Commitment

It's time to spread my money alias mentransfer ke rekening-rekening yang sudah ditentukan, sebagian ke rekening istri (of course), sebagian lagi ke rekening BNI (it must, sebagai penyambung hidup kredit rumah), sebagian bayar lisrik (haduh, ini lagi...), sebagian buat tabungan naik haji (amiin), sebagian buat dana kenakalan (ha...hai...) dan sebagian lagi... o shit, there's nothing left in my bank account. Almost forget, buat bayar arisan pake yang mana (haduuh gubrak deh).

It's seems like every end of month I always get salary no longer than 1 day in my account... next day I must spread it to it's own account (bah, duit kenakalanku makin berkurang...). Well, I think it's time for me to find another source to fill my bank account with money hahaha (think Gee, where did you get another source... be creative man).

Yes, this how I manage my income. I don't care if some people think it's not good to do like my way, but again, this is the way I appreciate my wife as a partner and account manager in my life. I entrusted her to manage as she like, I'll just give 40% of my salary. Even someone said, she's (my wife) very lucky to marry me, not every woman get lucky as my wife. Otherwise, they don't know the one who's very lucky actually is me (my self). Because of her support, I can raise my career until now (it's already 4x salary from the first time I married her) I can buy my own house, I have 2 lovely daughters, etc.

Yes... I didn't say it's easy, so much problem that we must solve in our marriage (8 years). But I promise to her, that I will commit with this relationship... I'm not talking about my feeling, I'm talking about my promise (aku ikhlas menjalani hidup dengan perasaan kosong demi janji yang telah terucap)

Bad Day Effect

Waked up at 03.00AM 'cause I had a bad dream. Still have a little bad mood about last night conversation with the little wing.

Let's hope today was a good day, I've to get prepared pick my daughter to school.

Sometimes making love is one of the solution to heal the wound I've got... And now I'm ready to work *my apprentice said my eyes was sore a little bit red.

Bad Day

It should be smooth day for me in the beginning of work after long holiday season, but in the end of the day everything gone bad. Okay I admit it, I'm the one who shouldn't answer her (The Little Wings) question. It's causing hurt badly to my mood, to my whole day... it's suck (damn I hate that woman).

Close it Gee... !!! CLOSE IT... Okay, my priority is car and house (I must focus on that 2 thing). I must try harder to get my dream come true.

Another Sunday Business

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Treatment Services

"Ma... Minta tolong dong" pintaku.
"Bentar..." sahutnya dari dapur.
Satu menit... Dua menit... Hingga menit kesepuluh baru dia nyamperin ke ruang tengah.

Aku sedang berbaring disamping anak2 yang sudah lebih dulu 'tepar' *mungkin kecapean sehabis jalan2 beli tas.
"tolong apa pak?" tanyanya
"hehehe, olesin pantatku dong kayaknya iritasi" jawabku sambil pasang wajah memelas
"he? Ora ganti katok owh ya ?" seloroh dia dgn logat Tegalnya.
Aq hanya nyegir sambil melorotin celana sebatas pantat.
"jeplak!?!!" tangannya menampar gemes pantatku sambil ngomel2
"dah berapa hari paak iki katoke ra dikumbah?!!!"
"ah berisik... Lagian situ kagak nyiapin gantinya sejak kemarin lusa"
"jijeni paak... !! Keplak !!" pantatku jadi korban kekerasan rumah tangga lagi.
Nasiib, udah ga disiapin baju ganti, dikemplangin pula pantatku.

Singkat kata akhirnya pantatku ditreatmen juga, diolesi salep anti gatal sambil digosok pake alat kerokan... Aiihh serasa kemrenyem sambil merem melek hahaha

She is the best wife I ever had, though I just have one wife as long as I life. We've shared everything, even the worse or the most disgusting things like tonight... I ask her to treat my ass hehehe.

The moment that I've never shared with anyone else. Even my parents, something that only your life partner can do that job. So be grateful if you already have one, and you must do the same to your partner.

#after few moment later : "dah, lepas aja celananya ganti baru"
Ujarnya seraya melepas my pants.
Secara posisiku disuruh ferlentang, yang akhirnya bagian itu pun ikut kena spesial treatment hahaha makin merem melek aja jadinya #dontaskdonttell

Sometime I wish we can spent each day fully peaceful moment just like we spent today... No more clash action in another day, well I just hope, and always hope.

SatNight Date

Dating, with my wife and daughters. Well, sepertinya sekali2 jatah duit kenakalanku coba di hibahkan buat gift istriku... Let see what will she buy later?!

#20 minutes passed by : Come on Anida... Time is ticking, pick one you've like most (handbag, shoes, jelwery...) seems like she haven't decide it yet.

#at last : Well, she choose shoes as a gift. My deep kiss for you hunny, mmuuaachh... Hope you'll like it (at least that's all I can give to you).

Next, my first daughter want to spend her money that she has got from her uncle at Tegal for buy a new school bag (travel bag mode).

-o0o-

Women... They can spent many hour for shopping #sigh, kaki ku dah pegel neeh. Anteng banget yak kalo dah liat-liat, padahal anakku dua-duanya masih demam tapi giliran shopping seger banget gila.

#main course : Setidaknya pilihan istriku tentang tempat makan gak norak2 banget hehehe (Rice Bowl) at least she didn't choose Solaria (it's damn suck). Walau siap2 aku rogoh kocek lebih dalem hikz... Hikz... Hikz

Back 2 Office

When everybody still in their holiday season, I decide go to office today. It's not because I've no work to do at home but moreover I need to make sure that my application working well to be presenting by my boss tomorrow in Bali.

Yeah, it's my consequences become software developers although sometime I feel bored with all this stuff. Lagipula, gak ada yang bikin aku nyaman selain di kantor, entahlah mungkin karena bisa tenang mengerjakan hobby ku?

No More Trip

Catet : next years, no more expensive trip. Stay at home or go to Bandung.
At last, home sweet home. My wife and daughters all now was sleeping, me? I can't sleep, I've got something to do.

Suppose To Be Happy

I've been thinking, that I suppose to be happy with all I've got till now. Have beautiful, wise, smart and lovely wife also 2 beautiful daughter, damn I've never been this lucky.

The question is why ? Kenapa pembicaraan yang berujung konflik ini selalu mengenai aku? Bukan kami ataupun kita.

"Aku" yang membuat mata hati ini tertutup rapat, "aku" juga yang membuat konflik ini berkepanjangan. Tapi aku tidak pernah bisa terlepas dari "aku" dan itu sangat menggangguku.

Jangan pernah menanyakan apakah aq tidak pernah berusaha memperbaiki hubungan ini. Demi monster laut barracuda, aku habiskan seluruh hidupku untuk mereka. Bedanya, dulu ada celah dihatiku untuk cheat on her sekarang aku tutup rapat semoga memberikan angin perubahan.

Priceless Moment

Waked up in the middle of the night within 3 hour priceless spending my time with her. 

Hope this will fix every crack that appear in our relationship. And now here we are, laying on the bed she hug me tight. Aku merasa letih, ngantuk, lemes, tapi juga ga bisa melanjutkan tidur krn jam 5 pagi nanti kita harus berangkat pulang kembali ke Jakarta.

-o0o-

Why people in Indonesia can never be educated about queueing? Always suck, belum lagi ngurus anak yang rewel ga mau dipisah sama pakDe nya aarrghh!?! Chaotic friday morning. Anyway, just lets go home dear...

#heading to Jakarta

I Love You

"Do you love me ?" Tanya istriku, dengan sorot mata yang tajam seakan coba menyeruak kedalam celah benak dan logikaku.
"Ya, aku selalu mencintaimu... Jangan pernah kau ragu"
Namun tatap matanya tetap tajam tak lantas meredup atau sirna dalam pelukanku. Seakan ingin berkata, "yakinkan aku pak..."

Yeah, usually she called me Bapak and I called her mama.
Ku hanya terdiam, sesekali menghela nafas seraya memeluk erat tubuhnya.

"You shouldn't ask me whether I loved you or not, all you should asking to me is..."

Apakah aku nyaman hidup bersamamu?

"Okay then, did you feel comfortable to have living with me?"

"And the answer is, no I don't happy neither feel comfortable to have you beside me" terasa kata2 tersebut meluncur begitu saja dari mulutku.

Aku tahu itu sangat menyakitkan buat dia, dan juga buatku. Aku mencintainya namun aku tidak dapat hidup bersama dia. Terlalu pahit dan kompleks permasalahan yang terjadi.

Aku dan dia saling mencintai, tapi entah kenapa kami tidak menemukan benang merah dari 2 kepentingan yang berbeda ini.

The Beginning

I try to remember and make pointing the reason why I choose her as my wife.
1. She's the best I can get
2. Time is ticking, forced by people opinion "When you'll get married?"
3. I only have two emotional problem that is hungry and horny *gubrak

It's pathetic isn't it? Tapi cinta perlahan muncul dan tumbuh dengan sendirinya. Berbeda dengan dia yang mungkin benar2 mencintaiku sepenuh hati.

I try not to blame anybody, but slowly but sure it's change since our first child was born. It's really change everything.... Every single thing.

Mungkin aq yang tidak siap mempunyai anak *entahlah, sejak saat itu perlahan aku tidak pernah lagi mau mengerti jalan fikirannya.

Singkat kata we have been lost contact already, and that where all this painting was begun.

Pick Up

Going to pick her up and the children at Tegal, d*mn this long holiday cost me more than 1 month budget.
Mana tiket kereta ga kebagian pula, makasih ya PT. KAI you suck my pocket like a damn vampire.
-o0o-
Meski kesel tapi yaa terpaksa dibeli juga, in sundanese it called (dipoyok dilebok) yaah mau gimana lagi apa guwe harus bilang WOW gitu? *tabok pake duit yg jualan tiketnya.
Walau it's cost insanely, it has been my duty as her husband and father of my children *at least that's all I can do.
-o0o-
Two words, f*cking train... I bought executive class ticket but this is far away from executive (I'd rather call it Cirek rasa cireng). It's hot, no TV, no valueable service, and they mark up the price as like as they want to.
Untung guwe bawa buku, bisa terhibur sepanjang perjalanan (thx Ika Natassa, your Twivortiare is the best book I ever read, I'd love to get your autograph on it *serius)
Transit on stasiun Cirebon, still far away from Tegal sing ngapak-ngapak
-o0o-
#1 hour later : I think I've got lost in the middle of nowhere #gubrak !!
Okay, next destination : Tegal. Udah kayak orang mudik, bawa2 kardus oleh2 buat nyogok ponakan. Bener2 ngerjain guwe nih Anidaa!!!
-o0o-
Segala sumpah serapah sirna setelah ketemu my little princess, maunya dipangku terus ampe guwe alihkan perhatiannya ke oleh2 baru mau turun... Thanks god, for your priceless gift.
Sekarang saatnya tenang, semua dah pada tidur, mau lanjut baca buku di ruang tamu :-)

Mukaddimah

Hai, namaku Gee. Aku bekerja disebuah perusahaan IT yang cukup ternama di kalangan para gamers, dan pada saat ini aku sudah cukup bahagia mempunyai kehidupan yang lengkap. Istri yang begitu mencintaiku, dan dua anak perempuan yang cantik-cantik sebagai amanah dari sang Maha Pencipta.