The Gift Book

Can't sleep, maybe my insomnia syndrome has came over me (again). I tried to find some books to read, then I choose one of my old book which is a gift from my friend (Deasy Sartika) when I married 8 years ago.

I don't know why I directly open pages 79 not from beginning. I read page per page until reach one quotation that remind me about something.

Orang yang menikah karena menginginkan kecantikan, barangkali karena tak kuat menahan takjub saat melihat senyumnya, cenderung mengalami kekecewaan yang besar. Mereka lebih mudah mengalami ketidak puasan seksual. Salah satu sebabnya, ketika kita berkeinginan untuk menikah dengannya atas dasar kecantikan, bersamaan dengan itu kita memiliki harapan yang sangat tinggi terhadap kehidupan seks yang penuh gairah. Pada saat itu pula kita justru peka terhadap kekurangan. Kita lebih mudah mengalami kekecewaan bila gairah pasangan kita tak sesuai harapan.

Here's the thick red line part of next quote that slap me in the face (the one who make me suffer with her shadow that flying around in my mind)

Semakin tinggi harapan, semakin sulit terpenuhi. Besar dorongan anda untuk menikahinya atas dasar kecantikan, semakin kuat juga harapan anda terhadap gairah seks dan kemesraan bersamanya.

If you read my writing carefully you will understand what I'm talking about, because I do feel that dissapointed recently though I was not yet married her.

Suprise? Don't be, hal ini tersirat jelas sejak awal aku menulis. Selamat menyelidik dan selamat berasumsi, all I just can say is I choose the right way although for maybe 1 last month I feel  desperated whether regret and thanksfully. Then with this quotation now I'm sure that I should be very thanksfully with my choise.

Thank you Deasy, I should read your book for a long time ago. Your gift is like chicken soup for my soul.

Spirit Was Gone

Daily activity in my office, but something missing today. Yes spirit of Monday was gone from me, I tried to act like nothing happen but still I can't find my smile in my face.
-o0o-
12 o'clock, and I still can't focus on my works (crap...!#$&%^@). I just sit here and doing nothing... aku tahu aku tidak boleh makan gaji buta, tapi setidaknya untuk hari ini saja aku boleh ya ber-bengong ria didepan PC doing nothing ^_^

Mr. Understanding

Eight years I can't find the perfect words to describe my sorrow neither the cause. Until tonight after I came back from the office, maybe because I didn't use my anger or my ego to talk with her.

-o0o-

Seperti biasa, setelah dia menyadari emosiku mulai meledak dan pergi meninggalkan dia. Tonight, she try to parley and say sorry to make me dissapointed.

She ask me to forgive and don't leave her, she has nobody but me. She told me that if I made mistakes she will forgive me. She hope I will do the same, forgive and forget then continuing our life like there's never happen between us.

You know what? I've been going through this circles for the last 6 years *since my beruang madu was born. And everytime we having a fight, I will always forgive her although it's a little bit hard for me to forget.

Yes, I'm not saying that I always right. I made a mistakes too, mungkin lebih sering dari yang dia lakukan entahlah.

-o0o-

Aku selalu berada di sisi yang salah karena selalu mensikapi pertengkaran ini dengan emosi. Otakku keruh, mataku gelap, dan emosiku meledak, tidak terhitung kerusakan yang sudah aku buat karenanya dan sebagai kompensasinya aku merasa bersalah, dan aku mengalah, aku yang mencoba mengerti dia...

But not tonight, I'm tired, exhausted, lack of emotions, so tonight I just wanna says

"All this time, I always try to understand you. When you made mistakes I always came back for you to protect and save your ass, when you feel uncomfortable with my past I close it for you, and many more things that I should be understand as a human being that worth to understand.

The question is how about me? Can she understand me with all I've been going through? No she can't... Or I can say NO SHE WON'T

My Responsibility

I'm going to the office, though this is Sunday when everybody spent their time with family. Well here I am, alone in third floor... no family, no whining, no silly question... just me and my laptop.

Sebetulnya dulu lebih enak, ada Kyo San yang suka menemani di kantor (setidaknya ada yang bisa aku godain agar sedikit menceriakan kelamku). But now as the office growing bigger, then her division moved to another city, but actually I not totally alone... ada satpam sih di lantai satu (tapi masa aku harus godain satpam juga *emang guwe cowok apaan ciinn...)

-o0o- 

I'm not running away, I just try to cool down my temper until the conflict settled down a little bit (walau aku tahu tidak mungkin semudah itu konflik akan mereda)
God she never changed even I've tried to change my self to be a better person, even I've given my everything, is it true that people was never change ? apakah tidak ada keinginan dari dia untuk mengurangi sedikit saja kecemburuan yang tidak beralasan itu ? dan coba menjalankan tugasnya dengan benar, setidaknya (hal kecil) she waked up in early morning... just early morning... so my daughter not came late to school, that's a little thing that I called changed.

This is the marriage I've been going through, I'm not saying I have the most hard marriage than everybody. All I wanna say is in every marriage will get through this situation (someday) it depend on how are we gonna handle it.

Jujur... dia selalu berkata suatu saat jika memang pernikahan ini gagal dipastikan itu karena orang ketiga (she called her "Jebrak" I don't know why she called her with that, but I prefer call her "someone" it's more objective and comfortable in my ear). Oleh karena itu aku menulis semua ini di sebuah blog yang bernama Lukisan Tanpa Warna untuk membuktikan... She has nothing to do with this, the one who responsible in this situation is me or her (mySyauQ) but again... I will not blame her, it's all become my responsibility if I failed then I'm the one who screw everything up.

If she can't follow me, follow my way of life then... gak ada lagi yang bisa aku perjuangkan, hal ni berulang terus menerus selama 5 tahun terakhir. Hanya 1 bulan lebih ternyata bisa bertahan selanjutnya she came back to her irrational attitude.

*Bahkan kata maaf pun tidak terlontar dari mulutnya, atau bahkan mungkin tidak terbersit hal itu merupakan sebuah hal yang menyakitiku... 

The List

Laying down in living room with my daughters. Then she came sit beside me, watch me playing my android.
"itu FB bapak ya?"
"yup" simple answer, hope she will not asking me with some silly question anymore.
"da ning foto2ne sexy pak, emang pada kenal semua gitu?"
"like I said before, they are my friends in FB games ma. I don't know every single one"
"kalo myLittleWings jadi temen bapak?"

Okay here we go again, got in that topic and it will spread to new conflict.... Huft *&#%)+/*
"She's not in my friend list... See..." I gave her my android so she can look at my account to make her very sure that she's not in my friend list.

"tapi... kalo dia request friend jangan di accept ya..." ujarnya dengan tatapan penuh curiga dan nada suara yang penuh keraguan pada komitmenku.

Okay that's it, I had enough ma.
"What's wrong with you? Don't you get enough to see her not in my list?"
"for what reason she request friend with me? See... After she bored playing games with me then she was kicked me out... I'm nothing in her eyes... She can get anybody to become her friend... It's easy for her... Just piece a cake so what's wrong with you?!!!"
"just an hour ago we try to cooling down and now you declare another conflict?!!!
"everytime my phone rang, you asking me whether that is a message from someone, you accused me with no reason"
"She... Dump me mama... She stab me and walk away... So how can she asking me to become friend? Use your logic thinking.... !!! &-%@(/%/ you ruining my day... All this fuck*ng day... do you happy now?!!!'"

Then she walked away in to bedroom like never happen, you see.... She can do it that easy without considering my feeling, my emotion, my wound... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ANIDAAA....

Okay... I blew up tonight, and I hate this weekend... Just hate this moment...

Freak Rice

Tonight, she cook friedrice for dinner. Well whatever lah yang penting bisa makan.

I never realized until I went to the kitchen and saw directly, what is our chef doing. But the things that make me suprise is not the food, but her clothes... She wear long shirt with no pants (damn... even Farah Queen was not sexy anymore).

"What are you doing? Where's your pants?"
"Yaa tanggung pak, tadi dari kamar mandi, celanaku basah..." jawabnya dengan tenang sambil tetap mengaduk nasi gorengnya.
"O...M...G..." then I leave her alone with her 'something'. Belum sempet jauh melangkah dari dapur, tiba-tiba "preeeeett... Prot... Prot...."
Damned I laugh out loud, just can't imagine what it's become... "FreakRice". Tapi dia lagi-lagi ngeles, dia bilang itu suara kecap yang sudah habis yang dipaksa dipencet jadi mengeluarkan suara yang aneh...

Whatever ma, just prepare my freak dinner... I just close my eyes and eat without think *dan gak gw kunyah, asal telen aja deh.

Go Away

Unpleasant weekend, stay at home with her. Desperated with some unfinish conflict plus double it with some message from someone make me even more fucked up, sometimes I just wanna runaway and dissapear forever.

Why everybody push me to reach my limits? Did they wanna see me in Ash form again? Salahkah kalo aku ingin pergi dan hidup sendiri jika posisinya seperti ini?

I don't think I can hold this arc a little bit longer. Tinggal menghitung hari saja, hingga semua terbuka dan berakhir dengan kepahitan. Usahaku untuk mengakhiri ini dengan manis sepertinya gagal total.

Thank you to someone who sending me message and make everything broken and thanks to mySyauQ who can't trust and appreciate your own husband.

Just... GO AWAY FROM MY LIFE !!!